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When we don’t see that, we get upset and are angry at the other person. Know that no matter what happens, you will be OK. Number three, you gotta make clear choices. Everything you do is a choice. You’re choosing to stay with a negative partner – that’s not your partner’s fault. It’s on you.If you’re choosing to be upset by your mother’s negative criticism, that’s on you. You can’t change her but you can choose how you respond. And number four, forgive everybody for everything. If you choose how you’re going to be in relationship with certain people, if you trust that you can leave this relationship and you will be OK, then relationships will be fine.

One of the reasons we get stuck in negative patterns is that we don’t commit to a clear vision of what we want our lives to look like. If you don’t have a clear vision then you do get stuck. When you have a vision, you begin to align your behavior and align your choices toward that vision. If your vision is to find a loving, supportive husband or wife and you guys want to sail off to the Mediterranean together and you’re dating Boo Boo, and Boo Boo never shows up on time, Boo Boo is stingy, doesn’t share money, you’ve caught Boo Boo in three different lies, why are you still seeing Boo Boo? Get out of that. The reason that we stay stuck in repetitive patterns is because we don’t pay attention to what we do, how we do it and why we do it. But when you have a vision and you start moving toward the vision you become more conscious and clear about what you are doing. Pay attention to what you do, how you do it and why you do it will break you out of a repetitive pattern.

Have a  daily spiritual practice – I’m not talking about going to church, joining the choir and becoming a deacon. I’m talking about getting still, I’m talking about connecting to the essence or your creator that is within you and following the guidance that you receive. It’s always there. Spirit is not partial to those who live in good houses in the suburbs. But if you don’t connect to it, you’re not going to get the guidance to do a different thing in a different way.

(Photo: OWN Network)

Iyanla: How You Can Do Better  was originally published on

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