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Let’s face it, not everyone has a Valentine’s Day boo.  But regardless of your relationship status, that doesn’t mean you can’t feel good, right?

You’re probably thinking that you are grown and don’t need me to tell you how to pleasure yourself, but you would be surprised how many woman are still uncomfortable with this topic.  Further, did you know about the health benefits?  I’m happy to share what I’ve discovered.

The Big O is Healthy

There are proven health benefits to a woman learning, touching and embracing her womanhood. Not to mention that self-sex is safe sex, it’s convenient and it’s practical.

As one article in Women’s Health magazine put it, “Frequent self-pleasuring has also been linked with high self-esteem, better body image, and a more active sex life. Which is why so many sex therapists encourage clients who are unhappy in the sack to start getting it on alone.”

Did you know that approximately 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone – that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or oral sex? And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. If you’ve ever climaxed, you may feel sorry for the women who have never done so.

To climax, which is another word for orgasm, is defined this way: It’s the highest or most intense point in the development or resolution of something; a culmination.

In life, we often hold on tight to our experiences when we feel it’s good or when it feels good to us. For something to be good is one thing, but if you’re anything like me, you want the best for your life which would be the equivalent of climaxing. Don’t settle for good when you can have great. So, how do we get to the climactic part of our lives?

The most important step is to take care of yourself. Without that in place, nothing else that I tell you will matter.

Taking care of yourself sexually is medically and psychologically rewarding. Sexual stimulation with a partner or by yourself can benefit your overall well-being in the following ways:

  • It relieves tension. If you’re feeling stressed out from overwork or as a result of a stressful day, having an orgasm can really take the edge off. There is increased blood flow from sexual stimulation which comes to a relaxing climax with an orgasm. So, when you are stressed out, having an orgasm can relieve you of all the stress that has built up that day.
  • It helps you sleep better. Orgasms release endorphins, a natural tranquilizer. These endorphins, when released, calm you to the point that you should be relaxed enough to fall asleep.
  • It burns calories. On average, you can burn 1,000 calories having an orgasm. Very few activities can burn that many calories in such a short time and be as enjoyable. Generally speaking, women have been socialized to believe our sexual needs and desires are less important than those of our partners. It is in our physical and emotional best interest to give our own needs and desires a seat at the table. Because of cultural taboos, many women feel that the urge to self-stimulate is somehow wrong, or they feel guilt or shame. There is enormous potential for healing through honoring and expressing our sexuality.

Dr. Jeff Gardere is known as America’s Psychologist. I asked Dr. Jeff, what type of emotional benefits, if any, does self-pleasuring have for a woman?

Here’s what he shared, “For women in particular, it helps them to get comfortable. They can learn a lot about who they are and are able to have more control of their bodies. Women are battling the prim and proper stereotypes. Women don’t need to feel shame; it’s about being in control of your own body. Also, it helps with anxiety reduction.”

Because we are in control of our bodies when we touch ourselves to the point of satisfaction, we can learn a lot about who we are and foster emotional healing. According to some sexuality experts here are more benefits:

  • It helps relieve depressive emotions. As we become aroused, the hormone levels of dopamine and epinephrine soar in our bodies. Both of these hormones are mood-boosters. Many studies show that women who report personal satisfaction with their sex lives live a better quality of life overall.
  • It strengthens our relationship with ourselves. When we know, love, and nurture ourselves on emotional and physical levels, we gain confidence and grow through self-awareness.
  • It strengthens your sexual relationship with your partner. Many couples have different sexual drives and needs. It is one way to meet personal needs not met by a partner. It can be shared with a partner. It can also  teach you what methods your partner prefers. It can also open the lines of communication between partners who otherwise might be assuming that the “routine” is still working.

Deya Directive: If it’s not your job to get in touch with yourself; then whose responsibility is it? Be willing to get deep enough with yourself to explore what works for you. You many discover something beautiful and satisfying.  Happy V-day in whatever way you choose to explore it!

Weigh in! What do you have to say about this topic?

 Deya “Direct” Smith is a lead producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews. She is also the best-selling author of “Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go!” ( Deya is a life-changing coach, writer and speaker. If you have a question about life, love or relationships email

DEYA DIRECT: Touching Yourself on Valentine’s Day is Healthy!  was originally published on