You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’m a 34-year old woman who has been married for three and a half years. My husband avoided sex in every possible way since day one. A couple of times we did manage to have sex, but it was not a happy situation because, now in hindsight, I can see that he just didn’t insert it right. For the first few months he said it was my virgin pain that he couldn’t handle. Then, he said it was the stress at work, hence he was low on libido. Later, he developed a foreskin problem and had to go through a circumcision, hence he said we would have to wait a while as he was having some sensation issue. Almost three years of marriage passed like that.
However, through this period he told people behind my back that ours was a sexless marriage because I was frigid. Even though I knew he’d spoken about me I stayed on in the marriage because, apart from the sex problem, we were really close as friends. So, when he apologized and broke down for speaking lies about me, I preferred to forget it.
Career-wise, he has always been unsteady. He attempted to start a new venture two years ago which crashed totally eight months back. Since that time he has been quite depressed and distant from me. He’s constantly on the computer gaming, or on the phone. Suddenly, in the past three months he’s made it clear that he wants to end the marriage. He gives all kinds of reasons from the two of us having no understanding to me being unsupportive. All of which none is true. Sexually, he says he’s now fine, but he is not attracted to me anymore for us to even initiate sex. He says in the initial years of our marriage we couldn’t have sex due to various circumstances, but now it’s too late to rekindle passion and interest.
He will never be honest with me how much I try asking. Many of his actions point out to him being gay. Before marriage we were together for two years, but never had intercourse (we only helped each other masturbate). So, I couldn’t tell. He could hardly kiss well, even though he would try. But, my only reasoning was that his sexual interest was less than mine, or probably I was very high on sex. And, the homophobia thing also applies to him.
Anyway, over the past three months he is insisting on a divorce even though it doesn’t seem the most practical thing for him to do at this juncture. One more thing is that he has been very close to a new male friend, a professor, who is three years older than him, and he is unmarried. They’ve become unusually close over the past months and I’ve met the guy just once. When my husband speaks to me on the phone in front of him, he sounds very to the point and even abrupt.
While I have almost been certain that my husband is gay, (I believe he abstained from it, but succumbed finally after meeting this professor), I suddenly get stumped a month ago when I find out that my husband has also been speaking to a woman in another state every day for five to six hours for the past few months. He has given her hopes of a future. I managed to get someone to call her up and got all the details. She said my husband and her met on Facebook, and they speak every day. They’ve met twice when he went to her city. Both times were for a few days. However, they’ve not had sex because, “he was not comfortable with the idea since he was still married,” she said.
Now I have a few questions:
1.) If he is gay (because he’s not interested in sex with women clearly), then what’s the role of this woman in his life? Is she just a cover?
2.) Does he feel for me at all? Did he ever feel for me?
3.) Wouldn’t it have suited him to keep this marriage going?
4.) I believe he wants to separate because he’s guilty. Or, probably because he wants the world to know that he ended the marriage so it doesn’t cast any aspersions on him?
What do you think? Please let me know. – Sexless In Marriage
Dear Ms. Sexless In Marriage,
Darling, darling, darling. You can’t be that clueless. In denial, maybe. But, just pure clueless? What a pity you don’t want to admit what is true. Yes, darling, your man is gay. He is not interested in you, or any woman for that matter. He has no desire to be with a woman, well, not sexually. I think he may have been struggling with his sexuality for many years, and is now coming to terms with who he is. That is with the help of this professor. Chile, that is an education right there.
You’re with a man who didn’t want to have sex with you when you got married. He has come up with excuse after excuse of why YOU are the problem. Doesn’t that sound odd, and bizarre? Yet, you accept his excuses, and think it has something to do with you. Girl, no amount of sleepy pills, Prozac, or alcohol will keep ANYONE around that long wondering why they are not getting sex from someone they are married to. And, if you have to question your husband’s sexuality, then guess what boo-boo, HE’s GAY! Honey, I haven’t even met the man and I can see that!
He’s asking you for a divorce, and you don’t think it’s feasible for him at this juncture. Chile, Jesus took the wheel and I’m riding shotgun, and you need to join me. Uhm, sweetheart, you clearly have something loose in the head. Why do you care if it’s feasible for him at this juncture? If he wants a divorce, and he is adamant about it, why are you holding it up? He doesn’t want to be with you! He has moved on and clearly, very clearly, he’s not giving you any sex. Girl, he has moved on emotionally, mentally, and physically. He is not even present in your marriage. He has checked out. The space you’ve allowed him to rent in your life, it is empty and void. LET HIM GO and MOVE ON!
Honey, it’s 2011. It’s time for a new lease, new life, and a New You. No amount of begging, pleading, holding on to hope is going to make him change his mind or bring him back to you. I can’t do this. No ma’am. Not this year. You got to get a backbone and stand up for yourself and put him out. Yes, put him out. The next time he leaves to go see the other woman, who is obviously someone to talk with, you know, like a good girlfriend, then pack his stuff and set it out.
Look, Ms. Sexless In Marriage, it’s too early in the year for this –ish. I’m breaking it down and getting rid of craziness way before I let it sit and marinate in my emails. The answer to your questions is obvious. You answered them in your letter to me. Just re-read what you wrote and you’ll have everything you need. Your man is gay. The other woman, just like you, is a cover. He is emotionally interested in you and the other woman, but after a while, and after he’s gotten his fill of using you and draining you emotionally and mentally, he moves on. He is a spiritual vampire and has sucked the life out of you. He doesn’t care about the marriage and the separation from you or what it will mean. If he did, then he wouldn’t have asked for the divorce. Yes, he is guilty. Does he feel guilty? I’m sure he does, but he will never admit to it. And, all the things he is doing like hanging with the male associate, whom I feel they are having sexual relations, and the other woman, who is a great conversationalist and providing mental and emotional support, proves that he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He doesn’t care about you, or any of the people in his life. Why do you want to remain with someone who has no regard for you? Why do you want to stay with someone who mistreats you constantly? Girl, stop it, stop it, stop it. You can sit at home and wait on him all you want, but while you’re sitting there hoping, wishing, and wanting, know that he isn’t coming home anymore. You better change the locks and get yourself, and self-esteem back. And, I strongly suggest you get my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. Read it, digest it, and let it marinate on your soft shell skull. It’s time to WAKE UP and stop being naïve and foolish. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!