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Closing Arguments Held In Zimmerman Trial

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George Zimmerman is one of those people who give humankind a bad name. He’s the kind of man who, when you see his photo or hear his name, it sends chills down your spine and channels a sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach.

He’s a killer of children. And he gloats about killing.

He is the lowest scum of society and its sickening to even type the letters to form his name. But we write these words simply to put out in the world how deeply his existence offends us.

On Thursday, the Florida man (if he even deserves to even be called that) posted the weapon he used to shoot and kill Trayvon Martin in 2012, calling it “a piece of American History.”

In the item’s description, which we won’t type here, Zimmerman breaks down how he believes that people are interested in buying the gun and that the entirety of the proceeds would go to fighting [Black Lives Matter] violence against cops, as well as the prosecutor in his case and other people whom he has it out for.

Batshit crazy.

The auction was pulled from the site without explanation and the Smithsonian (who apparently Zimmerman’s crazy, evil ass wanted to buy the gun) denied any interest in the firearm.

So here’s the thing – without having to spend too much more time on this disgusting person, a quick poll of the office came up with a list of things we would like to have happen to him. Every single thing on the list is nothing less than what he deserves to experience daily. Really, all of these things can do no justice for what he did taking someone’s life, but it’s still therapeutic to write them. Because the justice system failed Trayvon, but we hold out hope that karma will not. Please feel free to add your own thoughts as well.

  1. Explosive diarrhea every day for the rest of his life
  2. Burning the roof of his mouth for every bite of food he takes, forever
  3. Biting his tongue and cheek for every bite
  4. Having the first day of a period, every day, all day, cramps and all
  5. Yeast infections of the mouth
  6. Stubbing his toe every time he takes a step
  7. Perennial Jock itch
  8. A raging, eternal case of Athlete’s foot
  9. An inability to get it up, in spite of excessive horniness. Plus, ensuing blue balls
  10. Paper cuts on every finger
  11. Hangnails that can never be cut
  12. Canker sores
  13. Excessive constipation
  14. Having to walk everywhere in cheap stilettos
  15. Uncontrollable flatulence
  16. Body acne all over his body
  17. Wifi that never works
  18. Monthly data overage charges
  19. Every number he calls being “not in service”
  20. Never-ending telemarketer calls
  21. Having to wait in a DMV line for 8 hours a day, daily
  22. No health insurance to treat all of the above
  23. Being forced to wear a too-small bra for his manboobs
  24. Ensuing underboob rash
  25. An eternally cracked iPhone screen
  26. Thigh chafing with no baby powder
  27. No air conditioning in NYC on a hot day, in a walkup, next to a trashdump
  28. Having to clean bus station bathrooms with a toothbrush and his bare hands
  29. Being stuck on a long flight, with tarmac delays, in the middle seat, next to a baby who won’t stop crying
  30. Daily bikini waxes
  31. Cotton mouth without enjoying the benefit of a high to precede it
  32. Urinary tract infections
  33. Having to pay for every purchase for the rest of his life in pennies
  34. Food poisoning
  35. Flesh eating bacteria

And there you have it.

35 Things We Wish Would Happen To George Zimmerman  was originally published on