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Some have pointed out that the 9-year-old girl in question is a black girl, and have pondered if the tweet would have been sent about a white actress. And that’s a legitimate point.

I’m more concerned about how this outrage should be handled. Should Hannah and the rest of his minions at The Onion be allowed to apologize their way out of this one?

And if an apology isn’t sufficient, then what is?

The first thing that crossed my mind was caning.

Yes, you read that correctly. As in the down-home, old-fashioned Singapore caning that became famous around 20 years ago.

An American teen named Michael Fay found out, the hard way, that Singapore had a much different method from dealing with juvenile crime than America does.

Our tried but-dubiously-true way has been the wrist slap method: arrest teen, charge teen, release teen to his parents.

In Singapore it goes more like this: arrest teen, whack teen’s hiney with rattan cane and then send the miscreant home to his parents.

Americans howled that such methods were inhumane and amounted to cruel and unusual punishment. Singaporeans countered that their methods were effective and that, besides, they had no Eighth Amendment.

So the objections to my proposal would be that caning the culprit at The Onion who so egregiously disrespected little Quvenzhane would violate the Eighth Amendment. But I’m not talking about that person being arrested, charged and caned, which would also involve First Amendment issues.

No, I’m saying that whoever called that little girl that despicable name should step up and VOLUNTEER to be caned. And if folks at The Onion fret about who’ll administer the caning, well, I suppose I can clear my calendar for the occasion.

And if no one steps up, well, then, there’s Hannah. As CEO, he should step up and volunteer to be caned. The man claims he’s sorry for what happened.

He needs to prove to us just how sorry he is.

To Heck With The Onion’s Apology to Quvenzhané Wallis, Let’s Cane Some People  was originally published on

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