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You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance:

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’ve been following your column for about 2 months now… And I must say I like the way you address issues albeit comical and a lil bit rebuking.

I’m a Nigerian and based in Nigeria. I’ve been involved in an online relationship with a lady I met on Facebook.. She’s based in South Carolina. She and I have been have been in this online relationship for 10 months now. We plan on seeing in August this year when I hopefully come to the States. I’m 25-years old and she’s 32-years old. She wants me to change my relationship status to “Married,” and we’re not even married yet and I don’t even flirt at all with those beautiful ebony girls on my page.

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She and I have each other’s passwords and we talk on phone all the time. She’s supposed to send me the required documents inviting me over in August to come visit her, but she wouldn’t do that unless I change my relationship status to “Married.” I’m not being cocky but I’m a very handsome guy and ladies hit on me online, but they all know I’m involved with this lady because she and I are all over each other’s page. People tell her to forget about me, being Nigerian and all, because they’ve been led to believe that all Nigerians are bad, but she’s seen the real me and she likes that. And, I also get messages telling me to leave her alone, that she just wants young blood (I’m still a virgin). Sounds strange but she’s the first person I’ve really loved. What do you suggest I do? – Don’t Want To Change My Status

“He’s A Four-Time Felon And I Love Him, But I Think He’s Cheating”

Dear Mr. Don’t Want To Change My Status,

Lawd! Thank goodness I got a Nigerian on the line. Uhm, no offense, but could you tell your people to stop sending those email letters talking about they got my name from a source, or good friend, and that they are part of royal blood, and they have this business proposition for me to receive a portion of their inheritance, but due to the banks, and what have you, they are unable to claim their millions of dollars, and that they will give me a certain percentage if I agree to help them. Uhm, for real for real, we don’t believe it and we are not going to fall for it. So, please stop it! Okay, I got that off my chest. Now, let’s move forward.

Chile, you are in an online relationship with a woman here in the United States. Really? Really! Come on, son! (In my Ed Lover voice). Both of you need a reality check, and some, what a minute…you’re the smart one and she’s the dumb one. Lawd, you mean to tell me that she can’t get a man in this big ass country that she needs to reach out to another country? And, all the women in Nigeria, you can’t find one beautiful ebony woman there? Stop playing! But, like I said, you’re the smart one. I’ll explain because I know how your mind is working. Hehehehehehe!!

You’ve seduced, or well, let’s say engaged this woman in South Carolina (uhm, what part? I’m sure it’s got to be a place way back in the woods off a dirt road), to believe that you two are destined to be together. For 10 months, you’ve been communicating via online and telephone. Oh, you’re smart. I can hear you now with that Nigerian accent, and your deep voice making her wet. You’re telling her how much you love her, and you want to lose your virginity to her. She is the woman of your dreams and you don’t want to live another day, minute, or hour without her. You can’t wait to hold her, caress her, and enter her love canal with your big ole’ wilderness African d**k. LMAO! So, now you’ve got to the point where you are planning a visit to the U.S., but the only way to get here is that she must send the required documents for you to get here. LMBAO! You are a mess, but I love it. You desperately want to come to the U.S. to see your woman, but unfortunately you can’t because you need a sponsor. SMDH! But, she has a catch. She wants you to change your relationship status on Facebook to “Married.” Lawd, take me now! I can’t I can’t I can’t.

If the only thing standing in between you getting here to the U.S. is for you to change your relationship status to “Married,” then what’s the problem? Boy, you better hurry up and click the “Married” button and call it a day. And, if she is that stupid to engage in a long distance, across the ocean, land, and several time zones blind love and be involved in a “so-called” relationship with a man she doesn’t know, then take full advantage of it. Because I know your main purpose is to get the states, and once you get here, I’m sure, no I’m certain, that you will find you fellow Nigerian brothers and sisters and will forget all about her.

Chile, you two are a hot mess. I can’t believe this is really happening and going on, but you know what, why am I bugging, of course this goes on. I have not heard of so many naïve, gullible, desperate, and thirsty people in my life. WOW! What folks will do for a relationship! SMDH!

So, Mr. Don’t Want To Change My Status, you have nothing to lose. Changing your status to “Married” doesn’t really mean anything. Everyone knows you two are not married. No one is that dumb or stupid to think you two are married, especially if you’re in Nigeria and she is in South Carolina. You can’t get married over the phone, or internet. And, trust and believe, all those ebony honey’s hitting you won’t stop just because your status changes to “Married.” Trust me, a lot of folks have no morals and values and will still step to you for some of that African virgin schlong. So, change your status, get the documents you need to get here, and in August when you arrive do what you need to do and continue whispering sweet nothings in her ear, and then at the appropriate time you say to her, “My cousin is coming to pick me up to introduce me to my other family members and I’ll be back later.” We all know that’s your plan. We all know your goal is to get to America, the land of milk and honey and where all your dreams can come true. We all know my brother! Stop playing with me talking about you really fell in love with her, and that you two have an online relationship. Boy, I will take your spear and stab you in your neck with it. And, then I will be the new heir to your village. LMBAO! I really can’t believe you two. I keep shaking my head in disbelief. Now I know where they do that at. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would change your relationship status on Facebook for someone?

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!