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Fighting over a man is a losing battle for every woman involved, even the one that eventually gets him.

I love a good, gag-worthy reality show, and the current season of “Love & Hip Hop” has yet to disappoint. While not all of the story lines are compelling, I can’t resist tuning in!

But as much as a I enjoy kicking back to watch all of the fireworks, what really has me clutching my pearls is the amount of fighting between women on the cast over men that refuse to commit. I just don’t get it!

Why in the world did Tara move into the same building as Peter and Amina? Didn’t she just say she was done with him? Yet the season premiere opens with them waking up in the same bed. And no one was fooled by those “family vacation” shenanigans last season, either. Not that this should surprise anyone that has been paying attention, of course.

Both Tara and Amina tell everyone who will listen how fed up they are with Peter. I’ve lost count of the amount of times that those women have been “done” with him. It’s all righteous indignation in the confessional and when they confront each other. Yet, their resolve just crumbles every time he comes around. It never takes much for him to charm them.

I have to wonder how much of this struggle is Tara and Amina genuinely wanting Peter and how much of it is just pride. It’s clear that they’re both fighting to be the last one standing, and for what? Bragging rights?!

And this season has introduced another love triangle with Yorma, DJ Self, and Cardi B. This arrangement is just pitiful. Yorma already has the sense that Self is cheating (and she’s right!), yet she hasn’t gathered up enough love for herself to walk away. Instead, she sticks around to be him to acknowledge her as his woman in the hopes that that might scare other women off. It won’t. Neither will it make him decide to be faithful.

And that leads to explosive confrontations like this:

That fight was nasty! And next week is sure to offer us more of the same as MariahLynn and Mo square off over Cisco Rosado.

The biggest thing that women often forget in situations like this is that it’s pointless. There’s simply no winning when fighting over a man.

If the man in middle valued either one of the women, then there would be no triangle. There would be no situation in which two women feel the need to prove to one another how much more important they are to him than the other one. There would be no need to combatively compare notes about the last time he took you out, or gave you a subliminal shout out on Instagram, or the last time you had sex.

The hard reality here is that the girls fighting over a guy are both losing in some big ways! He’s the only one coming out on top because he’s getting both women to give him the full benefits of a relationship without any of the committment or consequences. More than that, he’s getting a nice little ego boost from seeing two women go at it over him. Worst of all, he’s getting the satisfaction of knowing that no matter how things turn out, he’s still going to have someone on his arm no matter what.

Meanwhile, the women in this battle are constantly looking over their shoulder, checking his phone to see who’s sliding up into his DMs, and basically running themselves ragged just to say they have a man someone else wanted. More often than not this fight is going on over a man who is not even remotely worth it!

Sure, the girl who doesn’t wind up with the guy might be single, but she’s in the best possible position. Her pride is a little bruised, and she’ll feel lonely for a while. It’s not fun being that one that was left behind. Ultimately, though, she’s out of the whole nasty mess much sooner. That means she’s completely free to go find another (hopefully unattached) man who will put her first in his heart.

The girl that “won” (and I use the term very loosely) now has the constant struggle of maintaining the relationship simply for the sake of appearance. Rest assured, everyone’s watching to see how long she’ll hold onto her “prize” before he decides to tip out again. And trust, he more than likely will stray again.

There’s no sense in signing up for that type of stress. Any man who puts you into a position where you feel like you have to compete for his love, attention, and respect doesn’t actually care about you. If he did, there would be no room for anyone else to interfere in your relationship. A man who wants you and is mature enough to commit doesn’t want anyone else. So, if you’re going to fight for anything, fight to build up your self-esteem to a level where you know you’re worth the commitment and strong enough to leave any situation where you’re not getting what you put into it.


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You Can Have Him: Why No One Wins When Fighting Over A Man  was originally published on