I have seen dozens of people hang on to relationships that should end, all for the sake of “it’s going to get better” . I want to run up and shake them. I want to tell them to get out of the fantasy land they are living in. It won’t get better. It’s never going to get better. If he doesn’t pay the bills now, he won’t later. If she yells and throws tantrums now, she will always throw tantrums.
Here are 8 signals that you should think about.
#1. When you live in past memories more than the present.
Do you replay the happy moments of the relationship to make you feel good about it? Do you use them as reasons to continue on with him/her? If so, it’s a sign your current relationship isn’t how you want it to be.You have to remember your relationship with the person exists in the current moment. Not in the past.
#2. When the relationship brings you more pain than joy.
Sometimes, we tend to be blinded by the past happy moments of the relationship. To the extent we forget about all the unhappiness it brings us. If your relationship leaves you frustrated/upset/unhappy more often than not; The relationship you are in now should be one which brings you happiness now.
#3. When he/she expects you to change.
The truest form of love is one that’s unconditional. Your partner shouldn’t expect you to change, unless it’s for your well-being (such as to quit smoking or to adopt a healthier diet). The issue here isn’t about you. The issue isn’t about the change itself either. The issue is about the expectation of you to change. While some requests may start off seemingly normal/benign, they will quickly build on over time. Even as you concede to the requests, more will come. It marks the first step of him/her trying to mold you into his/her expectations of you, rather than you growing into your own.
#4. When you stay on, expecting he/she will change.
The above applies for the other person as much as it applies for you. If you are staying on or getting into the relationship expecting the person to change, you are in this for the wrong reason. You are trying to change the person to fit your expectations, rather than accept him/her as the individual he/she is.
#5. When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.
Whenever we experience a situation we’re uncomfortable about, we experience cognitive dissonance. It refers to the discomfort from being faced with something that conflicts against our beliefs. When this happens, we try to come up with explanations, justifications so we can feel good about the situation. Likelihood is that you are living in your world of false assurances rather than the truth. Living a lie is the worst .
Make sure to read: New Study: Shacking Up Can Spoil A Relationship
#6. When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it.
Once might be a coincidence. Twice, you might want to give another chance. But 3 times is a clear sign something is wrong. Do you find yourself in replay mode in your relationship? Do you keep landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome, time and again, no matter what you do? If so, perhaps you need to accept this is the furthest the relationship can get to. You can keep pressing on, but it’s a matter of time before it sinks in that there’s nothing further to go. This is the end of the road
#7. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.
For any friendship or relationship to work out, there has to be certain similarity in fundamental values. Similarity in these values are the big rocks which will hold the friendship in place. Even if other things are dissimilar, the big rocks will enable the friendship to weather through even the toughest storms ahead. On the other hand, if your core values are fundamentally different, it doesn’t matter even if everything else is same. The journey to keep the relationship together will only become an uphill battle. While conformance has its merits, it should never be done at the expense of our own growth or our values. Compromising on your personal values just to keep a friendship afloat will ultimately only make you miserable. What’s worse, because your true self is repressed, you start to wrap your identity around the friendship.
#8.When you stay on, expecting things to get better.
This is similar to #1, except it pertains to the future. Just like how you don’t live in the past, you don’t live in the future. You can hope that the future will be better, but the fact is you live now. If the only thing that’s making you hold on is the hope of a better future, the relationship isn’t exactly built on solid grounds. The future you wish for is one of the many possibilities that can occur, a possibility that may never come to reality. It’s dangerous to base the fate of the relationship on something that might not occur. A building built on a shaky foundation will crash to an unsightly end when the foundation gives way.
Life is too short tobe miserable all the time. You should not have to struggle with your partner over the basics of life. In addition, you need to have a better reason to spend your life with someone. Take a good look. Ask the valuable questions. Love is an aphrodisiac that often blinds you. When the fog dissipates you are often lost.
Make sure to read one man’s open letter to Stedman telling him what his next steps should be. Read: Man Writes An Open Plea Advising Stedman To Marry Oprah