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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been seeing a man from Nigeria off and on for about 15 months. I am seven months pregnant by him. I have been pregnant once before by him, but I had a miscarriage early on. He was mad the first time I had gotten pregnant and told me all kinds of horrible things on the phone. Then when I miscarried he was back up in it two weeks later, raw. He told me that he had a vasectomy after the first time I got pregnant and I believed him because he has six kids from six different women and always talks about how he’s always broke because of them.
When I got pregnant again four months later he said, “I don’t want you to mother my child because you don’t have a driver’s license, high school diploma, or any of your other kids, what’s going to happen to mines?” Then why would he get me pregnant or not use protection? I always have condoms. He never wants to use them and even takes them off when we’re having sex.
I think he got me pregnant on purpose. Why would he do this to me, lie about having a vasectomy and get me pregnant on purpose? Since I’ve been pregnant he doesn’t try, and barely at all, comes to see me or anything. I recently moved to Baltimore and he lives in another part of Maryland. Ever since I’ve been pregnant he has had a million excuses about why he can’t come see me and he even asks me for money for gas, or he says he’s coming and doesn’t come at all.
I am a very pretty woman and I get a lot of attention. I feel like he tried to trap me so I would be pressed to be with him forever. Can a man love you that told you this big of lie about having a vasectomy? – Pregnant With No Support
Dear Ms. Pregnant With No Support,
There is a slogan by the United Negro College Fund which states, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Girl, you clearly have demonstrated what a lack of education will do to someone. Not only lacking school smarts, but street, world, and common sense.
I don’t know where to begin. This letter is a HOT MESS! And, you’re a HOT MESS for writing it. Okay, let me stop shaking my head my damn head because of this foolishness you’re caught up in.
First, you can’t and you won’t put this solely off on him. How the hell are you going to say he got you pregnant on purpose? And, to trap you and keep you? Girl, you playing. Please stop it. You really think he had a master plan to get you pregnant to keep you around forever? Look, you have condoms, yet, you let him take them off and have sex with you without any protection. Is he really at fault? No man, no person, no one can make you do something you don’t want to do. Girl, you liked it just as much as he did and you played the game with him and now you’re pregnant. In all honesty, I think you really wanted to get pregnant so you can keep him around. Based on the tone of your letter you sound like a woman who will go to any lengths to keep a man. I’m just saying.
Second, he told you that he had a vasectomy. You really need to go look out the window right now and see if the yellow short bus is sitting in front of your house, and if it is then you need to put on your helmet and go get on it now. You really believe for one second that after you had your first miscarriage that he hustled himself to the doctor and got a vasectomy? Girl, punch yourself in the face. He didn’t have a vasectomy. He lied to you. He bold faced lied, laid up with you with no condom because he didn’t want you to put a fight about him being able to get you pregnant. You really are slow.
Third, he has six kids with six different women. And, now you’re number seven. SEVEN!!! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. You have unprotected sex with a man who can easily lay-up with random women with no regard for his own health or theirs. What woman in their right man will get in the bed, let alone entertain, a man who has six kids with six different women? Never mind, don’t answer that, I already know. This man has clearly shown you who he is. He berated and belittled you (go get a dictionary and look those words up. I’ll wait) when you got pregnant the first time. He said to you he doesn’t want you as a mother to his child because you have no education, no driver’s license, and you’re unable to raise your other children. Basically he has said that you are unfit to be a mother. Yet, he doesn’t find you unfit to lay in the bed with and have unprotected sex. Both of you need to go on the side of road and kick rocks. Honey, he doesn’t care about you, or any woman. He is a womanizer, and the women who let him get away with this are desperate, lonely, and lack self-esteem. Hold up and wait a minute, girl, the man is asking you for gas money. This low-down broke trifling no good job having bum is asking you, the woman carrying his child, for gas money. I quit!
I’m wrapping this up, Ms. Pregnant With No Support, I’m not doing this with you today. You asked can a man love you and tell you this big of a lie. The answer is NO! A man who loves you will not lie to you. A man who loves you will be forthright and supportive. A man who loves you will be responsible. A man who loves you will be a man and get a job and take care of his kids, woman, and his responsibilities. The man you have does not love you. I will repeat it slowly for you, HE…DOES….NOT…LOVE…YOU! Listen up, sweetheart, you really need to do a few things – 1.) Get into somebody’s school and further your education. It’s important for you and your child that you’re bringing into the world. Educate yourself and strengthen your mind. 2.) Leave this man alone! He doesn’t love you, want you, or need you. He isn’t worth your time or energy. 3.) Go to court and start child support proceedings. Don’t rely on him to, “do the right thing,” on his own. Got to court and get it enforced. 3.) Get into somebody’s church, spiritual group, or read some books on self-empowerment, inspiration, and encouragement. You’ve got to do better in your life, and the only way to do that is to build up your self-esteem and know your self-worth. If you desire to be and do better, then you’ve got to take a long look in the mirror and do a lot of self-inspection. You are in this situation because you have allowed yourself to be here. You don’t know who you are and what your value is. No woman, and I mean no woman, would knowingly lay up with a man, with no condom, who has six kids with six different women. That says a lot about YOU and HIM! Ask yourself, “Why did I attract him into my life? What is he bringing to the table? Why do I feel I need to be in this situation? What part did I play in this?” Now, go and get started on rebuilding your life. You’ve got a long journey ahead of you, and it starts TODAY! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!