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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I met this sister on line a few months ago and we started talking and communicating. The next thing I knew it was September 17th and we were getting married. I opened up and trusted her completely and fully with everything. Then all of a sudden her text messages to and from her friends started becoming more and more important. She began playing “Family Feud” and “Fast Money” on Facebook and they, too, became more important. And, I have to wait for her to get off the phone before I can get any attention.
True, I do own my own business, and I do work a lot. I have contracts going on every day, or at least twice a week, and I am also working on new contracts. I am older than she is by six years. I have children that are older than her child, as well as children that are younger than her child. I have female friends that are plutonic as well, and some that were more than just friends. Most of the ones that were more than friends resented me getting married and therefore have been ex-communicated. The ones that didn’t have a problem with me getting married are still friends. Most of them have talked to my wife on the phone, and there are some that she has met face to face and sat down for a conversation.
Now, we have been arguing for the past month and a half. She gets upset when I am in my office working on payroll and accounting, or setting up my schedule for the week so that I know what I have to do and when it has to be done by. She works as a traveling nurse and I am an IT Professional.
My wife had access to my business checking account until just recently when we had a big falling-out and she said that she wanted to get the marriage annulled. However, before I removed her access from my bank account she took money out of the account that I needed to use to get tools so that I could do an upcoming contract. Now, I am going to have to scramble to find the money to replace what she took out. Needless to say, I have changed all the access codes and passwords so that she can’t touch that money again. I also felt it was necessary to cancel her SAM’S Club card that was under my business.
Anyway, whenever we argue she wants to bring up my past relationships and things that took place in our past. However, when I bring things up from our past that she has done she tells me that it was in the past and that I should leave it alone. Can you say “Double Standard” and “Catch 22?” Anyway, she wants respect and love but will not give it. I finished a project with BCBS and took half of the money that I got from that contract and put it in our joint account to pay bills. Why did she come back in the house with new shoes? That money was to pay bills, not for her to buy new shoes, sandals, flip-flops or anything. No, her buying those items was not going to hurt us, but it is the principle of the matter that she should have made sure that the bills were taken care of first and then with what was left over she can do what she wanted to do.
Still, she says that I am controlling. She says that I am verbally abusive. She says that I have anger problems. I say that she is selfish. I say that she doesn’t think. I say that she is the one that is controlling. I say that she is abusive mentally, emotionally, and verbally.
I have told this woman things about my life that I have not told anyone, but everything that I tell her she takes it and uses it as ammunition to hurt me, then she wonders why I don’t tell her anything. Ladies, this is why men don’t tell you things that you may need to know. Some of you don’t know how to take that information and use it to help you understand your man, and why he does the things he does or doesn’t do, as well as why he acts and speaks the way that he does. You have to earn his trust and you can’t do that by calling him out of his name, giving low blows, and trying to dominate him!
Back to me, our last argument was about her bumping me while I was taking care of our puppy. I have a bad knee and she bumped me and made everything shift. I was in such pain and I was glad the wall was there to catch my fall. I got back up and threw water on her. Granted it was water from the puppies bowl, but water none the less. I didn’t put my hands on her, and I never touched her. However, I felt that she bumped me on purpose and in anger because I didn’t leave a job-site to bring her cigarettes. And, when I was on my way home, two hours after I finished the job, I called her and she asked me to repair her laptop before I did my paperwork and prepare these devices to be shipped back to the company. I told her that I had business first, then, I can concentrate on her laptop. Let me take care of financial things first. When I got home we were still on the phone and I had a big box unbeknownst to her. I asked her to come and open the door for me. She asstitudidly (ßNot misspelled, it is one of my custom words) told me to open the door myself because she was busy. I told her that I didn’t tell her that when she last asked me to come open the door for her and nor have I ever said that to her.
Anyway, she feels that I am the only one that does wrong. She doesn’t apologize when I tell her that she has hurt my feelings or that I feel that she has wronged me. Yet, I have never had a problem admitting that I was wrong or apologizing when she said that I hurt her feelings. Still, now when she comes to me with this I tell her to get a job so she can afford a life, get a grip, and then get over it! Am I wrong? Married And Suffering
Dear Married And Suffering,
Man, what a lengthy letter. Geesh brother! I was able to get a drink, grab a sandwich, turn to the Real Housewives of Atlanta, go to the bathroom and then come back to your letter. But, thank you nonetheless for sending me your letter with your issue.
So, not to take any more time, I’m going to drop it on you like Phaedra from the Real Housewives of Atlanta dropped that baby (which she doesn’t seem to be attached to).
As your wife has asked and said to you, and I’m going to repeat it, GET THE DIVORCE ANNULLED! What are you waiting for? Your marriage is a disaster. It’s a tsunami and it’s named after your wife. Yes, she has come in and devoured your tiny little island. Boy, you better take refuge and I mean refuge from her and get her out of your house.
I am still stuck on the part where you met her online a few months ago and got married. WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?!?! Chile, that’s some crazy and bizarre nonsense all day. Who the hell marries someone they just met online? What happened to the days of dating and courting? What happened to getting to know someone before you jump in knee-deep talking about marriage and love?
You two don’t, and didn’t know each other. You knew nothing about her. And, there was no marriage counseling. No getting to know one another and feeling out the lay of the land before you two (who are obviously missing something in the head) decided to go and get married. CHILE, where is baby Jesus?
Then she stole, yes, I said stole, because she took money out of your account without your knowledge. That is a thief. You can look it up, and if you took it to a lawyer, or court, that will be the definition of a thief. Someone taking something that doesn’t belong to them without the other person’s knowledge. So, basically you’re married to a thief. But, instead of pressing charges, you changed the password codes, and cancelled her SAM’s club membership. Please, please, please, make it stop! You’re killing me!
Look, the rest of your letter with the two of you nagging and bantering with one another is a result of the two of you not knowing each other. You jumped the gun and the two of you seemed to be pressed and hard up, because sex is a dangerous drug, and you’re playing house with a stranger.
I don’t feel sorry for you or the situation. What I feel is, and what I will answer, is your question of are you wrong. Hell to the Y-E-S! You’re dead wrong. Horribly wrong. Irresponsibly wrong. Dangerously wrong. Just wrong, wrong, wrong!
You don’t know her, so you’re getting what you got. Why are you expecting her to be someone else? Oh, yeah, you thought you were getting the woman of your dreams. The woman you’ve been fantasizing about all your life. You thought she would just show up and miraculously be the queen to your kingdom. Man, she’s running you like a soccer team, back and forth. Slow down son you’re killing me. LOL!
Look, Mr. Married And Suffering, do I think she bumped you on purpose while you were tending to the puppy? Yup! Is she getting on your nerves because she doesn’t like you? Yup! Is she starting arguments and nit-picking with you because she wants a divorce? Yup! What are you waiting for? Hurry up and get to the lawyers office and file the divorce. It’s not working. It’s over. Done. Complete. And, where is your manhood? It’s obvious who’s wearing the pants in your relationship. And, homie, it’s not you! You’ve got to ‘man up.’ Stop playing the victim and the tit-for-tat game you two got going on. If you don’t get out now something more lethal is going to happen, and for the sake of your sanity and well-being, I implore you to get the divorce because you don’t want to get stuck in a situation where it will cost you more in the long run. And, my brother, ease up on meeting women online for a while. Take some to get to know you. Love you. Appreciate you. And, date before you decide to walk down that aisle again! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!